Scary washing machine! Hysterical
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, 'Go ahead, do whatever you want, it's ok by me.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and they all fly up and stick in your face.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what *really* throws you into a panic.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. **(Like Bret's imaginary children, lol!)**
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
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